If I could fix it, I would

I am depressed. There- I said it. I've got issues. I can't tell you what they are, but I can tell you the throat-closing, hope-crushing desire for numbness I feel day to day is not something I want to call normal. Shout out to Demi Lovato for admitting her battles- I sincerely hope she stays this transparent --and that this isn't just a facade for other struggles of hers. I hope that for her, not for her PR team, or for the betterment of mental health awareness or whatever motive you can think of. She seems to be enjoying feeling better. 

I want to know what that's like. I remember that I thought I felt better a week or two ago. I recall that I said I had energy, that I thought about doing something besides binge watching Netflix, and that I wasn't overeating just to pass the time. At the moment, I don't remember what that felt like. 

Here are my responses to your comments: 

-I just sent you my Netflix login..
I've gotta dedicate my life to you. 

-what's wrong? 
No sé. Next question. 

-have you talked to someone about this? 
That would be me, talking to you, right now. 

-no, I mean a counselor**. 
Umm, I called it a win when I showered before work today. Let's not get crazy. 

**on that note.. I felt enough urgency to try and get some help this weekend. I called somewhere that was supposed to assist in finding a therapist. It was wholly unsuccessful. I got a printout from my insurance, sorted by zip code. Here was my reply: 

I officially renounce my efforts on that front. I will continue to cycle through my phone book, venting to whomever responds to my texts most quickly. 

-medicine isn't a long term solution.
Yeah, well, neither is crying at work, but both seem inevitable right now. 

-but nothing in your life is bad!
Geeze, I know! I get that! But I have no flipping control over anything right now! I was more distraught over a Sons of Anarchy spoiler last week than an actual person I know who passed away the same day. I! Can't! Help! It!

-why aren't you answering my calls? I'm worried about you! 
Oh gosh! Answering the phone is so much effort! And the pressure that comes with each ring-- You might need me to do something! Or worse- you might ask how I'm doing, which doesn't allow me to keep avoiding my feelings. If you really care, just text and ask me to call when I can. That way, I can work myself up to the effort involved in dialogue. 

-Do you need a hug? 
No. 
You have to understand: I live alone. I go to work alone, pretend to be a professional, and go home. Alone. I'm used to it. In fact, it's probably been so long since I've had a hug, that hugging you right now feels more like I'm comforting you than the other way around. Besides, to enjoy that kind of thing, one needs to relax. It's not exactly a strength of mine these days. 

-Are you said because your uncle Gary doesn't have a girlfriend?
No. Wait, what? No. 
This approach gets some credit though. It made absolutely no sense, but it accomplished getting a confused smile out of me through tears. 

Here's the thing: no one knows how you feel, except you. Every now and then, someone has had a similar experience and can hit the nail on the head, describing the swirl of self-loathing thoughts of despair in your head, and in that moment, you feel a little less alone. 


To my friends who have listened.. And continue to listen.. And continue to listen.. Thank you. These years since moving to Houston have been a struggle, and you've made it so much more bearable. 

But even the most well-meaning individuals sometimes make it worse, because they just. don't. get. it. 

I can't end this with something positive and motivational about how you'll feel better one day, because I'm not there right now. I hope I will one day. But I just don't see it yet. What I can say for sure is that some days are better than others. Take advantage of the good ones to get done as much of what you've been putting off as you can. I steam cleaned my apartment last weekend. It made the apartment smell better as I moped around this week. I went to a salsa class tonight and burned off some of the chips and salsa I had for dinner. I feel marginally less stuffed now than I did after eating. 

And know, you're not the only one who feels like this. Don't be scared to admit it. Maybe it'll help someone else.